LIBERTY LOOKS FOR THE SILVER LINING

My dearest Pearlsevere and Midge,

I do apologize for responding at long last. I was taken aback, at first, by the evil reference in your most recent correspondence's salutation. I have put that behind me now, for I am sure you were just delusional from your unpleasant journey to Chicago from the far from state of grace you occupied in Independence. I do have to say, not speaking for dearest MC, that if I were to "help you into the grave," as you so eloquently noted, I would have done so many years ago. The reason you are still living today is that my heart couldn't bear being without such a close friend. Besides, my pet, you know as well as I that more damage can be bestowed upon individuals here on Earth, as opposed to the great beyond, even if it is Independence, MO. Kidding...

As for your moving to Chicago, I must say that I do love the Windy City, with all its art and culture...not to mention the Michigan Avenue Barney's. How you must adore it...from afar of course. I don't think the allowance you receive as an assistant affords you the luxury. Although I may be overstepping my bounds by saying this, but in your case, an assistant with the name of Dunbar may carry a bit more weight...as does your father's bankbook.

Now what's this nonsense about joining some little club called Sex Anonymous?? I've never heard of such a thing. I just thought people like you were just called slut, so you can imagine my happiness when I read you were getting the help you need to overcome this horrible situation you've slept you way into. Good luck dear sister. Abstain!! Abstain!! It's a darned good thing you met that nice gay man to assist you in your journey to normalcy. What fun you two must have! I love the gays. So much humor in their lives. And the parties they throw. What would we do without them. Of course we said the same thing about blacks way back when, and look what happened after you damn Yankees took them away. Oh well, that's ancient history. After all, the Mason Dixon Line didn't hinder our getting to be such wonderful friends and confidantes. Not to mention Midge bringing over her West Coast ideals to L'Academie. How she bridged our worlds I'll never know. She has many gifts...a gift of love, a gift of friendship, but where the hell is her gift of gab. Speak up girl!

I'm sure she would echo my sentiment when I tell you how sorry I am that my actions have somewhat led you to becoming a bus-riding, gay-loving, cooter-spreading receptionist. I do also admit that I saw that awful picture Precious Pitts managed to plaster all over God's world wide web. Although, you should have known better. What would Miss Pat Peck say...before she became that love slave thingamajig? Did you forget to put them back on after a last fling before beginning your sex class OR were they never on to begin with? I mean really...the limbo. I knew you were limber, but that was ridiculous. I honestly thought that after the same and ridicule you endured during Precious' wrath was enough for you to learn a valuable lesson. COVER THE COOTER! That's why I helped you out of that unfortunate situation. But when I saw that picture, I decided Precious had gone too far.

With the aid of my trusted personal assistant, I managed to procure a photo of Precious' dear, sweet, innocent as the day is long daughter sans skivvies. It was taken at the annual Winter Charity Auction and Masquerade Barbeque. It just so happens that Precious' daughter Cherry and her band of sorority sisters were in attendance. Imagine my shock and horreur to discover a rather unflattering photograph of, dare I say it, Cherry's bush. It was found on a reel of one of the numerous disposable cameras set up to capture the elegance of the affair. I never would have thought to post it on the internet had I not received a telephone call from Precious demanding the evidence be destroyed. I guess she's used to things like this happening with her little Cherry tart. Well, no one demands anything from a Vermillion, therefore I set out to teach her a lesson.

I do hope you get a chance to see that picture. I know that it's been circulating amongst all circles of people in and about the country. It was just my way of apologizing for having any hand in getting you into your current state of affairs. I figured since you're a changed woman and wouldn't dream of seeking out a revenge on poor Precious who caused you pain. I did it for you. But let us not forget that had you not been such a "cooter-spreadin' harlot," none of this would have happened. As my dear grandmama once said as she was struck dead by a gasoline truck after months of refusing to pay her CLECO (gas and electric) bill, "What comes around, goes around."

My best to you and Blain. Do tell him that I so enjoyed "Encore Encore."

And Midge...kisses. I hope you are doing well. I will just have to adhere to the old adage, "No news is good news."

Toodle loo.

Yours truly and forever,
Former Miss Maid O'Cotton,
Liberty Belle Vermillion