LIBERTY SPILLS TEA

Hello my Sisters,

It seems that much ado about "little people," chipped beef, and Lauryn Hill has commenced without me. Sadness abounds for I thought that I, former Miss Made O'Cotton and L'Academie alumni, have tried my best to mend ties and further the communication betwixt us all. Granted, we have all but written off Lorraine Loreen L'Ore-Ida...of course she had the good sense to find her a good man and hold onto him tighter than a lily-white, chicken-livered, back-stabbing ex-boyfriend of mine held on to a lone tree branch on the side of a cliff nicknamed "Death's Door" during a brief visit to Pike's Peak...I didn't expect to be ostracized as well. But enough about me...I tend to be dramatic at times...I did seem to have a flair for it in school. Remember my stirring performance as Nurse Ratched in "Cuckoo!", the musical version of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"? I do believe I was handed an award for that performance, narrowly winning out over Midge's haunting portrayal of Antigone and Pearl's over-the-top and scene-stealing Ratso Rizzo in the all-girl rendering of "Midnight Cowboy." But I digress...

If memory serves me correctly, without the aid of spirits, thank you very much MC, I did become privy to a horde of information surrounding our swarthy cook's involvement with the circus. As I have not been subpoenaed or sworn to secrecy, and since I am not above "spilling tea" when the situation warrants it, I can let you know some tidbits I happened upon whilst under the tutelage of our esteemed Miss Pat Peck. As God is my witness, I assure you this information just literally fell into my lap. Some nights as I aimlessly wandered the halls of our down-trodden dormitory due to bouts of insomnia and uncontrollable bowel movements, the whispered voices of our beloved custodians and Academie staff sang to me, pulling me closer, desperately wanting me to hear. I was the chosen one. Although later, during 2nd semester Home Economics and Steel Welding, Miss Tally Byrd Abernathy vehemently accused me of being a gossip-hounding snitch, I firmly believe that it was meant for me to know.

It was our dear caretaker's in-laws that brought him to the ice. It seems that Mr. Bennett-Smyth's wife, Theodora, was instrumental in updating modern horror films into Ice Capade Majesties. The only problem was Theodora felt an undying need to give back to all the little people that aided her in fleeing an abusive home life. Theodora was unloved, unwanted, and, to quote TLC, unpretty - something Academie ladies knew nothing about. (Insert cocktail here.)

She was rescued by a travelling band of little people who would bring their circus to town every other year. It was there that Theodora found solace and kinship she so desperately waned for. Unbeknownst to Theodora on her first night with the merry band, that their circus dreams were a mere mirage of what they longed to do...skate. After pitching "Munchkins on Ice" to every major touring company to no avail, they were left with no alternatives. It was at the WACO-TV NBC affiliate commissary that she met Mr. Bennett-Smyth. I never learned of his first name. Miss Pat Peck always referred to him by his family name when speaking to him, and at other times I could only discern his name was similar to Harder, for that's what she would scream late at night on the school grounds. It seems now that Midge might be able to solve that mystery. As well as answer the question many of the girls asked each other after a night with Mr. Bennett-Smyth. Was it worth the girth?? Another digression...

Anyway, after viewing "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" on their first date, everything fell into place. That's what I heard....

Until we speak again,

I remain,
Liberty Belle Vermillion
Former Miss Made O' Cotton

PS - Tipped uterus??? Very interesting!