MIDGE IS MIFFED

Dunbar,

I must say that I am still shaking after all that you have said about your experiences in Independence, MO. It certainly was not easy getting you any sort of "gig", considering your unprofessional behavior in almost every theater, cabaret, bus and trunk tour, and dog and pony show you've attached yourself to like an anemic leech!! How dare you blame me!!!

Kinsey Franklin Hart did not do this out of the goodness of his heart. He did it because I PAID him to do it. Since your family finally saw fit to cut you off, and your delusional dream is that you can be any sort of successful actress, I thought I was doing you a great favor. Yet again though, you have decided that this engagement is below you.

My half sister, Gertrude Ann Trucksilla (who weighs in at a dainty 869lbs., not 969lbs.) has written me about your particular brand of behavior whilst inadequately portraying Stella. All is not as grim as you've portrayed it. Apparently, missing limbs not withstanding, your torrid affair with Harry Pitts is ripping the company apart. I have seen Mr. Pitts in the raw, (his
performance in "Equus" still sends shivers through me), so I know of his attributes. Who needs arms or legs when you have a penis King Kong would envy? But to do the dirty deed in the fly space during dress rehearsal, screaming "This is the Pitts!!" is low, even for you. You may not be aware that his wife, Precious Pitts, is the costume designer, and she has been on
to you since the start. This may explain the itching powder in your one piece foundation garment, and the small grassfire outside of your trailer, at the Bess Truman Trailer Court.

As far as the dwarves go, I suppose the reason you feel as if you're being watched, is based on the fact that you've had numerous orgies with them, a la "Under The Rainbow". They must be waiting for another opportunity to diddle your pink parts, while you sing "Short People". I can overlook all of these things, but if you lay one hand on Melvin C. Williams, I will fly to
Missouri and personally rip you apart. I know of your penchant for hairy half-wits, but he is not up for grabs!!

I am enclosing a plane ticket, so that you may return to whatever town, city, or burg that will have you. Never have I felt more wounded (with the exception of the aforementioned stabbing in my side) than I do by your ungratefulness. The infamous porno actress/clairvoyant Kiki Duvall, fresh from her run in "Ann Meara: A Life in 1 1/2 Acts", has been engaged to continue the run in "Shortbus", so your services are no longer required.

I love you Pearl, but you continue to burn bridges, and this one singed my perky ass. Let me know where you end up, as I will always worry about you, and wonder if your mother's wanderlust, fondness for watersports and sexual asphyxiation, are inheritable traits.

Truly yours,
M. C. Peck