MIDGE CONSOLES…WITH A WARNING

Pearl, (You Idiot!!!)

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I heard of your unfortunate incarceration. Although not surprised at the circumstances; the depths of your stupidity never ceases to amaze me!! Every time you are bailed out of one adverse situation, you turn around and step into another. This time, nobody can bail you out. It seems that you are a flight risk due to your
attempt at reaching California, and your dear sisters. What were you thinking!?! I cannot speak for Liberty, due to her current stint in rehab and her ongoing battle with the huffing of Wite-Out, but to even think that we could (or would) help you out of this situation is absolute lunacy!!

Not since your fornication with the icing delivery man in the back of the Krispy Kreme Donut Shop, has your judgment been so far from reasonable. That escapade resulted in not only a hit being placed on you by his Mafia princess girlfriend, but also burning the shop (and the strip mall it was located in) to the ground after your human hair fell, tumbled into the deep fat fryer and ignited a blaze that the local fire department still compares to the Great Chicago Inferno. Straightening out that little boo-boo, took Liberty and I almost six months, and resulted in poor Liberty's indentured sexual servitude to the Mafia Don, and his gang of hairy, oversexed goons!! What can we possibly do this time?

Until Miss Made O' Cotton and I can formulate a plan, you need to keep a VERY low profile. I've heard of the Cook County Lock-Up for Women, and of the notorious Matron, Big Aggie. Do whatever you can to be sent to Solitary Confinement!! Start a fight with another inmate, trash your cell, make crude and obscene soap carvings of the warden, anything!!! You DO NOT want to get on Big Aggie's bad side.

You may recognize Big Aggie, and well you should. Her name is Agatha Coons-Esterhaus, an alumni of Miss Pat Peck's, and one that hates the three of us. In addition to the fact that she weighs in at almost 275lbs.(and always has) She attended La' Academie as one of the pity cases of the county. Always fat and ugly, she also possessed no talent, and is a confirmed hermaphrodite. She hated us for our beauty, talent and lineage, and took every opportunity to make our lives miserable. I'm sure she has never forgiven us for trying to sell her to the sideshow freaks to raise extra money to bribe the judges of spirit week, and ensure our sweep of every homecoming event. Especially after her refusal of our offer to make her the float in the homecoming parade. The Coons-Esterhaus' are a mean spirited, backwards hillbilly clan, and are considered quite dangerous. That sequence in "Deliverance" was based on their wealthier, more advanced cousins. Play it safe at all costs!!

I am sending my personal lawyer Rolo Brand, to assist in your hopeless looking defense. Please cooperate with him fully. I will consult with Liberty as to our next move. Until then our thoughts and prayers are with you, even as we ascend to new heights as Alumnus of the Millennium and her handmaid, er 1st Runner Up.

Love to you my little Inmate #13184579782,
Midge Celestine Peck - Alumnus Extraordinaire!!